Sexual fantasies in women / Roni Erez

Many women require a fantasy in order to orgasm, especially women with clitoral orgasms. For thousands of years women would not discuss sex or anything related to it, not with others nor amongst themselves. Up until the 1970’s there was no discourse regarding women’s sexual fantasies. There was no appropriate vocabulary for it and no unifying symbol system through which to describe their sexual emotions. Women were forbidden to disclose having erotic thoughts or being turned on by sex. In the 1970’s, parallel to the feminist awakening, female sexuality began to evolve in the public sphere. The world became more curious about sexuality in general and women’s sexuality in particular.

Nancy Friday wrote several books about women’s sexual fantasies (“My Secret Garden”, “Women on top”) based on letters she received from women about their fantasies. She claims that women mainly felt guilt when approaching these fantasies. Their sexuality was buried deep in their souls, revealed to no one. Friday claims the ones responsible for that guilt were the parents, especially the mother, whom for years was entrusted with teaching her daughter modesty, making sure it was apparent in the way her daughter dressed, spoke, behaved and came to contact with her surroundings.

Fantasies were the one place where the woman was able to communicate with her own sexuality.

A sexual fantasy is a vision, an image, a hallucination or a thought that emerges in our mind and awakens us sexually. A sexual fantasy can be about another person, an object, or an act being performed on us that turns us on, even if it’s entirely imaginary. The participants in the fantasy can be people we know, celebrities or complete strangers.

Fantasy is where women can allow themselves to be free and liberated from a commitment or a role they are expected to fulfill. In the fantasy they can be sexual without limits, and experience things entirely different from their regular personality. A Fantasy can drive us beyond fear, guilt or anxiety. What we fantasize about stems at times from the most forbidden places. That same forbidden place makes us ascend, let go and orgasm.

The mind is the source of sexual life and what blocks our way to the orgasm. Only when the mind succeeds in building the right image or impression, meaningful enough to drive us beyond that fear and guilt of entering the forbidden world of sexuality – only then can we reach satisfaction.

Denying a fantasy blocks the path to the wonderful inner world that exist within every one of us. A world in which we know what truly pleasures us. How lucky we are that no one can read our minds yet – especially not the men we are having sex with right now.

Many women need a fantasy in order to let loose and orgasm. It takes them to a different realm than the one they are at. Fantasies can be driven from concepts in their surroundings but can also emerge from very different and distant worlds.

One of the more dominant examples of women’s fantasies is the “Rape fantasy”. Many women fantasize about being forcefully required to oblige one man or many, sometimes violently so.

The rape fantasy doesn’t occur in real life – there’s nothing pleasurable about rape, not by one man and definitely not by many. There’s nothing sexy about violence. The woman doesn’t imagine the pain, humiliation and filth that follow rape, let alone try to realize it (unlike other fantasies such as sex on a plane, sex in public places, sex with multiple partners, sex with a woman etc.). No woman will go around in the middle of the night in a dark and dangerous place, hoping to be forcefully grabbed by a number of men and violently raped by them.

Why then does this fantasy keep appearing in the minds of so many women? Why do they need to fantasize about such a scene in order to orgasm and enjoy themselves?

The reason is simple, since being raped is clearly not something that happens by a woman’s own volition. The lack of free choice also liberates her from guilt. She is not the one who initiated, she was abducted, beaten, humiliated and unable to resist. Clearly she wasn’t the one who aimed for it to happen. The man or men in most of these fantasies are faceless. It draws the guilt even further away since no one would suspect her for leading one of her acquaintance to believe she was interested in rape. Only once denying herself and her free will, can she truly release and experience sexual pleasure. Her parents, seated by the stage of her mind watching her have sex, can rest assure – their daughter is still a “good girl”.

 

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