One of my clients asked me once: “why do I have such a hard time reaching an orgasm? I don’t understand what this ‘orgasm’ is that everyone talks about. Even in the rare occasions I did manage to come, I didn’t understand what was happening to me and what I was feeling. It was like a wave of warm heat engulfing me, coupled with currents of pleasure”.
The female orgasm is an interesting feeling, but more than that, it is also more complex than most realize.
Recent research has mapped women’s brains with MRI during an orgasm in real time. Women are asked to touch themselves and climax, while they are connected to electrodes that monitor changes in the brain throughout the process. Findings show that while reaching an orgasm, over 30 regions in the brain light up. The brain receives large amounts of oxygen, and activity is registered between parts of the brain that normally don’t communicate with one another. In no other human activity such patterns of activity are seen.
Orgasm also increases chances of getting pregnant because the currents that go through the woman’s body pull sperm towards the ovaries where the egg awaits. This is possible because a woman’s orgasm can last anywhere between 20 seconds and a few minutes and occur in a few different waves. A male’s orgasm by contrast is only 5 seconds long. Evolutionary speaking, the female’s orgasm is a catalyst to the male’s orgasm. Thus, the woman makes the man orgasm during her own orgasm. The body then completes the activity to move the sperm toward the egg.
It is obvious why the male must orgasm. During orgasm the male ejaculates sperm which is essential to procreation. This is not true for the woman. Emotionally, a woman’s orgasm rewards her with immense pleasure so she would want to continue having sex.
The orgasm also has physical advantages. The muscle flexing that happens during orgasm strengthens the pelvic floor and can help women who suffer from having to urinate too often.
The orgasm offers mental gains as well. It can help alleviate headaches, stress, and leads to better communication for couples afterwards. Endorphins that are released during orgasm create a high sense of fulfillment and release, which help the couple talk calmly about issues that concern them.
Many women attempt to disregard the troubles or issues that way on their minds before sex and can’t understand why they aren’t able to get their partner to listen and accept them. Here is a tip for you…try to change tactic and talk after sex.
Why do some women orgasm from penetration and others do not? What are the different types of orgasm?
According to existing research there are 5 types of orgasms that women can experience: vaginal orgasm, clitoral orgasm, combined orgasm, CUV (Clitourethrovaginal) orgasm and ejaculation orgasm also known as “squirting”.
Most women can come with clitoral or vaginal orgasms but few are able to come with other types of orgasm.
The source for vaginal orgasm is in the brain. After the brain relinquishes thoughts, the woman can let go and allow the physical sensations to take control. In the past, Sigmund Freud claimed that women who have vaginal orgasms are more mature and healthy. He additionally claimed that only women who are mentally fit, who understand that they need to work and invest time, and who can delay quick gratification to reach a higher goal, are able to reach a state of vaginal orgasm.
Today we understand that these concepts are fundamentally wrong. Most women, close to 80% actually, do not reach vaginal orgasm. It is unknown to this day why this disappointing figure holds true.
The thing that hinders a woman from enjoying the higher quality vaginal orgasm is mainly thoughts that run through her head during intercourse. These thoughts usually have to do with how she looks while making love and a low self-image in general, and frustration from the fact that she will likely not reach orgasm (this is a “thought creates reality” situation). Many women also feel anger and other negative emotions toward their partner (rightly or not). Smoking can also limit the ability to orgasm as it is known to reduce blood flow to the genitals, as well as stress, or lack of sleep.
Cultural taboos, and family, social, or religious norms, can leave a mark on a woman from early childhood. These restrictions will accompany her to adulthood and will arise every time she has sex. All of these thoughts, as well as the grocery list and other chores that are left for tomorrow, can pop into a woman’s head and reduce her ability to orgasm. Is it any wonder that women have trouble coming?
Any woman that has experienced a vaginal orgasm can attest that it cannot be compared with the clitoral orgasm. Technically speaking, any woman can learn how to orgasm. Unlike the clitoral, the vaginal orgasm does not require friction. The stimulation comes from the mind. The orgasm can be attained from sexual activity that does not include penetration. Many women discover the vaginal orgasm by chance: a new location, an exciting experience, a romantic holiday that allows love making in a more relaxed environment, and more.
There is no doubt that the man has an important role to play in vaginal orgasms. He is required to control his own orgasms as much as possible. This can be easily learned by practicing tantric breathing which help delay his orgasm. When a woman can feel comfortable with her man in this sense, she can become available to focus on herself.
The physiological mechanisms, as well as the pleasure and satisfaction of orgasm, are similar between men and women. But there is one clear physiological difference – the average man wants to delay the time to orgasm as much as possible (truth be told he really wants to orgasm as many times as possible and then run and tell his friends about his performance. But this option isn’t available to him, so he will suffice with controlling his orgasm and telling his friends about that). The woman on the other hand aspires to reach orgasm as fast as possible because it will not signal the end for her, just the beginning. A woman can be multi-orgasmic, reaching a state of prolonged orgasm. When a man reaches the point of no return in his orgasm, he cannot stop the process even if stimulation stops. For a woman, when stimulation stops, so does the orgasm.
Not every vaginal orgasm occurs through penetration and some clitoral orgasms occur through penetration. Many women can reach orgasm with penetration when they are in a position on top of their partner, but of course there are no rules for this either.
This is the way most women reach orgasm. There are many ways to reach clitoral orgasm, and it is mostly dependent on the woman’s preferences. The man can touch his partner’s clit according to her guidance or her demonstration. The woman knows her body best and can direct her partner when and how to cause her maximal pleasure. She can guide his touch with regards to timing, speed, strength and more.
Clitoral stimulation should be focused. There are women that only fast and aggressive stimulation can make them reach orgasm. For this they need a vibrator that helps achieve faster and stronger movements (unless someone finds a way to connect batteries to the tongue).
There is no doubt, that for women that can orgasm in this way, oral stimulation is the preferred method. Women enjoy the gentle stimulation of the periphery of the vagina, a task that her partner’s tongue is well suited for, being gentle and sensitive. With oral sex, the partner must be patient and skillful. The woman should be calm and physically relaxed. The finger in this situation can be a nice addition as touch to the perineum region (which is located between the lips of the vagina and the anus) or anus can be very pleasurable during oral stimulation.
A woman can reach clitoral orgasm during penetration by controlling the friction between her body and her partner’s, which is maximally achieved only when she is on top of him. At the same time she is on top of him, she can use her hand to touch herself (or his hand) or use a vibrator.
Many women that reach clitoral orgasm have a hard time reaching orgasm every time they have sex. Among these women, there are some who orgasm only during the weekend (as they are more relaxed), there are those who orgasm sometimes (only on holidays) and those that reach orgasm only very rarely.
Additionally, there are women that fake their orgasms because they had enough of trying and they feel that this is what their man expects of them as he worked hard for it. They have no other choice then, but to fake it.
There are some women who reach a combined orgasm which occurs by stimulating the vagina and clitoris at the same time. This type of orgasm is considered the most powerful of any orgasm that is reached separately. Women who are capable of this can reach orgasm in any position. The most important thing is to be present and engage in a long foreplay before penetration.
It is also important to find the right position for the woman that can combine both types of stimulation. Any position where the woman is lying on her side and the man approaches her lying on his side, or when he is on top of her when she is lying on her side can work.
In 1998 a group of sex researchers discovered the true size of the clitoris. The visible outer part is only the tip of the organ. Its actual average length is 15 cm and it is wound around like a spiral in the inside of the vagina. Because it is mainly comprised of sponge like tissue it can swell, flex, and even change its location during sex (if this reminds you of the male penis, you are not mistaken).
In the past it was believed that the woman has a G spot, or a Gräfenberg spot after the name of the German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg. The G spot was believed to be a small region in the woman’s body in the frontal part of the vagina, behind the pubic bone and around the urethra. Today, following much research into the matter, it is understood that the tissue that is referred to as the G spot is actually part of the inner structure of the clitoris. Women who are able to reach orgasm from penetration have thicker tissue in this region. This is the reason that so many women around the world have been looking for centuries for this spot. It might have been an interesting search but is was at last proven that the G spot is no more than a myth.
Recent research shows that the CUV is responsible for the deep and high quality orgasm. CUV, which stand for Clito-urethro-vaginal Complex, is the region of the clitoris, urethra, sides of the vagina, glands, muscle, and nerves. These elements work together differently in every woman to provide sexual pleasure that resides deep within the vagina.
It is possible to reach CUV orgasm in a few ways. The fist classic approach is where the man inserts his finger into the vagina and looks for the region where the woman feels the most intense pleasure. He then start making “come here” movements with his finger. This can make the woman reach orgasm. Another way this orgasm can be reached is by flexing and releasing movements, which can be learned through self-instruction or with a partner. This is what I aim for with my work with women.
Female ejaculation is when fluid is excreted close to orgasm, before or after. This is a natural phase of the sexual response cycle. During orgasm most women release a fluid that is not urine. The difference between women is the amount of fluid excreted. Some women’s orgasms are defined as “female ejaculation” when the amount of fluid is extraordinarily large. This can lead to wetness which could be embarrassing for both partners even though it is not urine.
Women that orgasm with a lot of fluid attest that this gives them much pleasure. The female ejaculation myth has been intensified by porn films where women are seen lying in a circle and, given a que, begin to ejaculate as if from a fountain. Female ejaculation occurs due to flex of the muscles around the vagina which puts pressure on the glands that secrete lubricant fluids causing them to release a large amount of fluid at once. This is what creates the “fountain” effect which can be highly pleasurable. At times, this is also accompanied by a desire to urinate. This should be ignored and activity should be continued which defies reason because many women believe that if they don’t stop they will accidently urinate.
To summarize, it can be said that the social norms and understanding of the female orgasm have gone through a dramatic change in the last century with the emergence of research on the subject from the likes of Freud, Kinsey, Masters, Johnson, and others. The orgasm has emotional, biological, and social meanings. It is important to the reproductive process. It also helps create a feeling of intimacy with a partner and is an important part of sexual intercourse. In cultures where women are expected to enjoy sex as much as men, more women have been able to reach orgasms compared to cultures where women are deprived of sexual pleasure.
Even with the growing body of research on the subject, for many researchers the female orgasm is still a mystery. Many questions are still unanswered. Science can now provide answers regarding the processes that occur in a woman’s body during an orgasm, but there is still no answer regarding “why” orgasms happen in some women and not in others.